Midlife Transformation & Personal Growth

You Were Never in Control of That

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” — Marcus Aurelius

We spend a ridiculous amount of energy trying to control things that were never ours to control. What somebody thinks of us. What they say about us. Whether they get our intentions, whether something works out the way we planned or whether someone else does what we think they should do. Then when it doesn’t go our way, we let it wreck our mood, our focus, sometimes our whole day, like the outcome itself did that to us.

But maybe that’s not quite it. Maybe it’s not the thing that gets to us, it’s the meaning we hand it and if that meaning is ours to hand out, it’s ours to take back too. The strength was never about getting everything around us to cooperate, it’s realizing it doesn’t have to.

We still get to decide how we respond, what deserves our attention, and what we’re willing to carry with us. Maybe peace isn’t finally getting everything under control, maybe it’s realizing how little of it ever needed controlling in the first place.

What are you still trying to control that was never yours to begin with and what would it feel like to finally let go of it?

#MotivationMonday

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One response to “You Were Never in Control of That”

  1. cristiannorman

    For most of my life, I tried controlling people’s opinions of me. Realistically, I thought it was possible to be the person everyone loved, someone who had no quarrels with anyone, and even wanted to be perceived as the “best friend.”

    Looking back, I cared far too much about how other people viewed me. Growing up, I eventually came to understand that it’s inevitable: you can’t make everyone like you. No matter how kind you are, how carefully you act or how much effort you put into making a good impression, you ultimately have no control over another person’s perspective of you.

    There were times I would constantly plan in advance, especially with new people that I haven’t met before:

    “What are they going to think of me? Did I make a good impression?”

    “How can I make sure this turns out the way I want?”

    “What do I need to do so they can like/respect me?”

    Sure, I could influence the situation I was dealing with, but never control it. I was overly stressing about something I couldn’t control. Except the distress I felt was never about the situation but my judgements I made on it. The interpretations of the situation is what caused me pain: discomfort and unhappiness.

    I don’t need to manage everyone’s perspective of me. I know the type of person I am, I only need to make sure that my actions reflect the kind of person I want to be.

    If someone views me in a negative way, there’s no point in moping about it. Why should I try to convince them otherwise?

    I can’t spend my whole life defending myself against every negative opinion that comes my way, they are allowed to think that about me and I will continue to live my life.

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